Commitment is the Key to Save Marriage from Divorce
One point is clear: There are no problemless marriages. There are ups and downs in every relationship. And despite what Hollywood will sell you, no one in this real world feels loved in word and act or fulfilled every single day. But three common elements show up again and again among those who have endured “the burden and heat of the day” and gone on to saving their marriage from divorce.
1. A spiritually-centered commitment to save marriage from divorce that lasts despite arguments, pain and denial, and continues to last through adjustments and pressures.
2. Sharing moments with each other, however rare, when there really is personal and intimate sharing, and the struggle seems worth it. (This can mean a personal sense of spiritual well-being even while the partner seems unappreciative or unresponsive.}
3. Saving your marriage requires a willingness to take time and energy to make it work. This often means radical adjustments and patience.
I will use three real-life examples to emphasize this last point.
The first example is of a couple “unequally yoked,” both already had been divorced and the current marriage was looking like a repeat failure. The wife had been a practicing Christian all her life. Her husband was religiously indifferent. She was educated and accomplished. He was competent, high-incomed. Saving their marriage did not look possible.
The husband had come to a stark realization: He pretended to give his wife everything but had missed actually giving himself to her. For the first time in his life, he recognized that he lived his life as a loner, a very self-centered man. They didn’t really have a relationship. He was just walking through the motions with his wife rather than cherishing her. He said “To save my marriage today and not wait for another divorce I resolved to put her at the heart of my very busy life.”
He began demonstrating little sensitive ways of affection-a note, a touch, a phone call to show her that she was important to him. From that moment things changed. Their separation ended and a new relationship opened up. Even their grown-up children are now able to sense a tangible love between their parents.
Example #2: Here is how the wife described their relationship in today’s fast-paced work-a-day world: “It used to be that if John occupied a chair in our home, he was either working with the checks at the beginning of the month, talking to someone on the phone, eating, sound asleep or impatiently “wasting his time” watching a TV program I insisted he might enjoy. We only had short “together-time”, and usually caught on the dead run, emotionally if not physically. The love we had for each other was felt and often expressed but seldom really enjoyed.” Are you also looking for some way of saving your marriage?
Then a health problem arose that kept the John home in a long convalescence. “That illness helped save our marriage from divorce. Since his illness, we have shared wonderful moments together. I have sat for hours by the side of his bed or chair, and there was no need for us to speak. We have felt together a peace and companionship that cannot be sandwiched into a few quiet moments of frantically scheduled lives. I have seen John hold our little daughter for long periods of time in perfect peace and enjoyment. I have seen our child absorb her father’s new kind of love and reciprocate in kind. All of our family relationships have taken on a new depth, because we have been able to share with each other not just more experiences but more understanding. I now believe with continued work we can save our marriage today.”
To “save my marriage today” you can’t wait for such a crisis in order to find this kind of beauty. Or do you have to be driving past the “Save Marriage From Divorce” warning signs along to road before you can make yourself accept the conditions that will bring back the loving relationship into your life?
One aspect of saving your marriage is to realize and remember why you got married in the first place.
For the last example, the wife was struggling as to why her marital relationship was not working. Then she came to realize that she was telling her husband that she loved him BUT that he had to change this or that in order to be acceptable. In affect she was saying, ‘I love you, dear, but I can’t accept your actions.’” She understood that this was coming out as rejection of him.
She realized that “to save my marriage today I had to remember the love I felt when I married him. I had to be able to say, ‘I love you, and I accept you as you are, actions and all.’” But she would have to feel what she was saying. She understood she already was saying all the right things and performing all the right actions. But there was lurking resentment in her heart for all of his disruptions. She knew she had to make a change in her heart and it would not be easy.
After some time of being committed to saving your marriage, you may be able to say as she did: “To my joy I found I actually could accept my husband, actions and all. I suddenly realized how much more important he was than anything he was doing. On that day our relationship and our marriage began to change. No longer were we ensnared in the save marriage from divorce panic mode and stress that had strained our relationship even further. He now felt my love and basked in its warmth. He calmed down and became my most cherished partner. I was overwhelmed by what I was witnessing. And he was overcome by the changes he felt in me.” Are you ready to put in the effort to saving your marriage?
Hard-headed, thwarted, alienated spouses may feel that unconditional love is a fraud. Certainly it will take time and effort to save a damaged relationship and saving your marriage. But let me suggest now three outcomes to unconditional love in the home.
First, you will have the joy of seeing your spouse become more and more a person of greatness. Do you know the story of Johnny Lingo? In the story, a girl who was considered plain by all who knew her (including her father) became an “eight-cow woman” of beauty. She became an eight-cow woman only when she learned that was how her man felt about her. It was his love, how much he cared, that created the beauty in her that no one else could see. It may seem crazy but it is true that love is physically as well as spiritually transforming. And it can save your marriage as well. Who has not seen how love for a face generates love in a face, and how a loving face becomes a lovable face, eliciting the very love it bestows? Let me ask again, are you willing to put in the effort to saving your marriage?
We have all seen that bickering and arguing will subtract from and weaken the bond in the marriage. Playing tricks, nagging, “sending back the hurt I receive,” pleading, denial, cold shoulder distance, playing hard to get-these do not save marriage from divorce but rather make great strides backwards in the trust in the relationship.
So the second outcome to unconditional love that will save marriage from divorce is that when you give unconditional love, even in the presence of bitterness and abuse-when you return a look full of daggers with a look full of love-eventually, if your partner is sensitive, they will want to give the same back. In the end such positive reciprocation will enrich you and your relationship and work to saving your marriage. Over the long haul it is hard to be cared for and not care in return. The resulting bond will be greater than the sum of each person alone could have been. In these circumstances one plus one is far more than two. Who can say how whether one more kind word could save a marriage from divorce?
In many troubled marriages there is contention, confrontation, lack of trust, hurt feelings, jangled nerves, little compassion and no desire to change or forgive. Is it easier to give up than to make the effort to saving your marriage from divorce?
So, the third outcome of unconditional love to look for is peace. Peace comes in your relationship when you return no evil, when you are kind in the presence of cruelty, when you are patient despite the presence of impatience. This peace removes sadness and sorrow. And it removes the strongest self-deception: It is all “his”/”her” fault. Each day say to yourself, “If I want to save my marriage today, I will seek peace.”
Many of us have no long-range vision in much of our struggle. We think only of the moment-this time, this place, this circumstance, to save my marriage today! But if we really want to save marriage from divorce we must temper our short term reactions and think long term, seeking to:
1. see our partner as an “eight-cow” person of greatness;
2. to give and receive unconditional love; and
3. to look for peace.
Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but who can count the apples in a seed? What will result from your dedication to saving your marriage?
What matters is what takes place in your home and your own soul. If you are committed to save your marriage, you must start from within yourself and reflect on those areas discussed in this article that apply to you, your relationship with your spouse and your commitment to saving your marriage today and everyday.
If you truly wish to make a change in your relationship, I highly recommend that you check out
Posted in save marriage from divorce, save my marriage today, saving your marriage
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Tagged save marriage from divorce, save my marriage today, saving your marriage
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